this is only my point of view in future life.

since i broke up with my last boyfriend, i've been thinking a lot about my future life and re-thinking about my life concept. well, my last boyfriend was not a bad person, we are just not clicking right. he mades me could explore myself deeper. we want different things in life. we see things in different way. and for a choleric person like me, there's no way i would change my mind only to adapt with one single person. I should drive my own life, not letting a stupid boyfriend do it thinking he know more about myself than myself!
really. my ex always talked about marriage...made me re-think about it and NOW i am not sure whether i want to marry someone or not. marriage is scary. you live with one person until the rest of your life (i hear it. the repeating voice of my ex saying 'forever, forever, forever,...').
it is said in the bible that woman and man became one in marriage, physically and emotionally. lets do some math. this is not a balanced equation.
1 person + 1 person ≠ 1 = 1/2 + 1/2
1 person + 1 person = 2 person
if they become one, it means marriage consists of half-man and a half-woman because 1 = 1/2 + 1/2. then where do the other half of those person go? I can't agree with this concept! even if i decide to marry one day, i would still want to be my full self. still be ONE, not HALF. why marry if you can't be yourself anymore later? a full marriage should not consist of TWO people with half minds. actually, so many marriage concepts in the bible i can't agree with. i don't know who write the bible, but i think some of bible concepts can be applied no more to nowaday's society. like, man is the head of family. don't be joking. what makes men so special so they become the leader of the family? what makes wives should obey their husbands? they're human too, we're all human, right? what a patriachial culture. damn it. for me, men and women are no different but in sexuality and no one should be more dominant than the other, including in a marriage.
and this makes me think. i see concrete example in my life and imagine if i was the girl who had good job i'd dreamed since my youth, then i married to a man. and that man periodically moved to other places due to his job...what makes me should let go my job to only follow a man? because i am a woman and he's a man? really?
or the concept people who marry each other, own each other. i don't agree. i don't want myself to be owned by any other person, and i don't want to own any person's life. my life is my own life. nobody can own it except me and God.
thinking about those marriage concepts that still strongly remain in my culture, i really resent to marry anyone except i find someone who can highly respects privacy and open-minded...with the same vision with me. we have to face it. marriage is not for everyone. the culture pressured us to marry. many girls feel they have to marry a man regardless what they really want. i think people should really think what they really want in their life before decide to marry. some people may want to marry someone, but some know marriage is not their thing. my motto is, pursue what i want means respecting myself. live life to the fullest. i watched oprah show a few weeks ago, it's about a book titled eat, pray, and love. The writer had lived a life that she felt is not right, and couragely chose to leave it and lead a new life. i really like the idea of this book. i would go to the bookstore, to find this book and read it. i would like to reassure myself that a girl can pursue what she wants with or without marriage, and that being married is not always the best choice. reassure myself that i have choices in my life and no one should choose those options for me except myself.
my dad once said married people are always happier than people who decide to live alone. i don't believe this. i believe it does not always happen. what if you're married, and your man hits you, your kids are the menace, you don't have time to socialize, your mother in law is evil, you can't do what you want, or you don't even have your time? is it still better than being single? and vice versa, being single is not always fun though, especially if you can't stand being alone.
then, i also think having kids is not a good idea for me. if i decide to marry, i will marry a man who also think that having kids is not a good idea for us. actually i even think pets are cuter than babies. i am never thrilled seeing a baby or a little kid. when my friends all go histeric over children like 'aaaahh, see felice, the kid is so cute! see! see! aaaahhh, cute!' i am only saying 'fine. a child. cute indeed.' with indifferent facial expression. i don't interact with little kids very well. the part of this maybe caused by my status as an only child, and the rest is because i am not interested indeed. but when i see a cat (even the ugliest cat) i always go like 'aaaahhh! a cat! so cute! miaww...psst...psst...!' while all my friends say 'gee, don't bring that cat near me! it's scary!'.

am i abnormal?

whatever. that's just my preferences. this is myself. i frankly state this is myself. then, the real reason is that i don't want to be pregnant. i would reconsider having kids if i'm not the one who being pregnant and do breast-feeding. i hope those are men's role. well. whatever. i don't want to grow something inside my body. that's disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. my ex can eagerly stated that he wanted kids because those are not his roles. as i have said, i would reconsider having kids if i'm not the one who being pregnant. i would seriously consider an adoption maybe. there is so many neglected children in my country, why don't adopt one instead of making a new one? those neglected children need parents too.........and once again, i have my own choices. one of my friend said i'm an egoist because i don't want kids. but what is egoist? if i don't want kids and I still make kids though i don't want kids, am I not being egoist towards myself? this sounds harsh, but what if i am pressured to have kids and neglect the kids later just because i don't really want them? that's more egoist than choosing not to have kids! and my other friend said i won't be a 'complete woman' if i don't have kids. really? i think that's a wrong concept. being a complete woman to society standard(caring the family, be pregnant, breast-feeding, or even a full-time mom, blah3) does not always mean being a complete human.
a complete human knows why he/she is doing what he/she is doing, knows who he/she is really, knows what he/she wants in his/her life, lives up to a moral standard, and could may be contributing something to society. i'm a zombie if i do things i don't want, i don't live my life to the fullest, i do what people choose for me, and if i don't even own my own life. i don't stand by the principe 'it's okay to sacrifice one person if everybody else is happy.' everybody has the right to be happy with their life! no one should sacrifice him/herself to keep everybody else happy. really. i really wish everyone can live the life to the fullest... if i have better communication skill, i would like to be an oral motivator someday. to help people who don't know what they want in their life, to people who feel they live like a zombie. but writing is more of my style than oral communication. maybe i can write a book and publish it later...






i don't care what people say. i do care about what i really want in my life.